School Papers, Part II

A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers:

11. Queen Elizabeth was the 'Virgin Queen.' As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted 'hurrah.'

12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.

13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet.

14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.

15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, 'A horse divided against itself cannot stand.' Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. He was very large.

17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.

20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

School Papers, Part I

A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers:

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.

5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.

6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.

7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.

8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: 'Tee hee, Brutus.'

9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.

10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.

LMAO Jokes - 2

A guy walks into work and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss asks, 'What happened to your ears?' He says, 'Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the phone,' The boss asks, 'Well that explains one ear, what about to your other ear?' He says, "Well, jeez, i had to call the doctor!' 

Software Engineer Husband 

Husband - hey dear, I am logged in. 

Wife - would you like to have some snacks? 

Husband - hard disk full.

Wife - have you brought the saree.
Husband - Bad command or file name.

Wife - but I told you about it in morning
Husband - erroneous syntax, abort, retry, cancel.

Wife - hae! forget it where's your salary.
Husband - file in use, read only, try after some time.

Wife - at least give me your credit card,
i can do some shopping.
Husband - sharing violation, access denied.

Wife - i made a mistake in marrying you.
Husband - data type mismatch.

Wife - you are useless.
Husband - by default.

Wife - who was there with you in the car this morning?
Husband - system unstable press ctrl, alt, del to
Reboot.

Wife - what is the relation between you & your
Receptionist?
Husband - the only user with write permission.

Wife - what is my value in your life?
Husband - unknown virus detected.

Wife - do you love me or your computer?
Husband - Too many parameters.

Wife - i will go to my dad’s house.
Husband - program performed illegal operation, it will
Close.

Wife - I will leave you forever.
Husband - close all programs and log out for another User.

Wife - it is worthless talking to you.
Husband - shut down the computer.

Wife - I am going
Husband - Its now safe to turn off your computer. 

Golden Rule:-
‘To be happy with a man,
love him little and understand him a lot.
To be happy with a woman,
love her a LOT and DO NOT TRY to understand her

LMAO Jokes - 1

Two pupils were fighting outside the examination hall. The teacher came out and said:

T : Why r u fighting?

S : Teacher, he left his answer sheet blank

T : Why should that bother you?

S : I too left my answer sheet blank

T : S?

S : The teacher will think that we have copied from each other.

A : Why have you kept the newspaper in the fridge? 

B : Because it is full of HOT NEWS. 

Professor : What three words are the most used by college students?
Student : I don't know.
Professor : Absolutely correct.

Lady : The design of the sari is excellent. But the color is not good.
Salesman : Don't worry mam. The color will disappear after the first wash.

Mother : Reena, tell me why does a bear have it's body covered with hair?
Daughter : Actually Mom, there is no barber in the forest.

 

A man needing a heart transplant is told be his doctor that the only heart available is that of a sheep. The man finally agrees and the doctor transplants that sheep's heart into the man. A few days after the operation, the man comes in for a checkup. The doctor asks him, 'How are you feeling?' the man replies, 'Not BAAAAAD!"

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news for you. Patient: well you might as well tell me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have twenty four hours to live, Patient: 24 HOURS! WHAT COULD BE WORSE? what's the very bad news? Doctor : I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

A man walks into the doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his
nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear. What's the matter with me?' he asks the doctor, The doctor replies 'You're not eating properly.

Monkey in plane

Once in a plane crashed, only a monkey who was traveling in the plane was left alive. Fortunately the monkey was intelligent enough to understand our language and reply in actions.

The officials went to see the monkey in the hospital and had a talk with the monkey.

Officer: 'When the plane took off what were the travelers
doing?'
Monkey: 'Tying their belts'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Saying Hello! Good morning!'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Checking the system'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Looking for my people'

Officer: 'After 10' minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Having beverages and snacks'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Serving the travelers'

Officer: 'What were the Pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Eating & throwing'

Officer: 'After 30 minutes what were the travelers doing?'
Monkey: 'Some were sleeping and some were reading'

Officer: 'What were the air hostesses doing?'
Monkey: 'Make up'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the steering'

Officer: 'What were you doing?'
Monkey: 'Nothing'

Officer: 'Just before plane crash what were the travelers

doing?'
Monkey: 'All were sleeping'

Officer: 'What were the pilots doing?'
Monkey: 'Handling the air hostess'

Officer: What were you doing?
Monkey: Handling the steering!!!!
No more Questions!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!

Computer Viruses - Funny

Ellen Degeneres virus............. Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC
Monica Lewinsky virus..............Sucks all the memory out of your computer
Titanic virus........................... Makes your whole computer go down
Disney virus.............................Everything in the computer goes Goofy
Mike Tyson virus......................Quits after one byte
Prozac virus...............Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care
Sharon Stone virus............Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it's there.
Lorena Bobbit virus..................Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy
Tim Allen virus...........Appears helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact
Woody Allen virus....................Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card
Saddam Hussein virus..............Won't let you into any of your programs
Tonya Harding virus.................Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons
George Michaels virus......Runs its course, occasionally releasing excess data buildup
Joey Buttafuoco virus..............Only attacks minor files
X-files virus..................All your Icons start shape shifting
Spice Girl virus.........................Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop
Ronald Reagan virus................Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored
Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus...........Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them
Martha Stewart virus.....Takes all your files, sorts them by catagory and folds them into cute little doilies to be displayed on your desktop
Oprah Winfrey virus.........Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB
AT&T virus............Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting
MCI virus....Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus
Arnold Schwarzenegger virus..Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back

20 Mind blowing Facts that you should know

1. When you put a seashell next to your ear, it's the sound of your blood surging in your veins, not the ocean. 
2. It takes 12 bees their entire lifetime to make one tablespoon of honey. 
3. Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.
4. A ribbon worm will eat themselves if they cannot find food. They can still survive after eating up to 95% of their body weight.
5. Apples are actually part of the rose family.
6. 'Typewriter' is the longest English word that can be made by using only one row of a keyboard.  
7. According to the Guiness Book of World Records, from 1725-1765, a Russian peasant woman gave birth 27 times to 16 sets of twins, 7 sets of triplets, and 4 sets of quadruplets. 
8. Once sperm enter the vagina, they slow down like four lanes merging into one: It takes 5 minutes for them to travel the 6 inches to the cervix and can take up to 72 hours to reach an egg. 
9. In India, the tree is considered auspicious and wedding rituals are conducted under pavilions decorated with the long dark green mango tree leaves.
10. The Ice Cream cone was invented in the summer of 1904 by Charles Menches. It made its debut one year later at the St. Louis World Fair.
11. Dolphins don't breathe automatically - they breathe when they tell themselves to breathe. 
12. You're more likely to die on your way to buy a lottery ticket than you are to actually win the lottery.
13. Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.
14. The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.
15. Women speak about 7000 words a day. The average man averages just over 2000.
16. A lump of pure gold the size of a matchbox can be flattened into a sheet the size of a tennis court.
17. Over 2500 left-handed people a year are killed from using equipment made for right-handed people.  
18. The Bible is the number one most shoplifted book of all time.
19. Bonobos and dolphins are the only animals other than humans to have sex for pleasure
20. Men are 4 times more likely to get struck by lightning than woman